it’s too hard
asking my lips
to smile with lies
it’s too hard
asking my muscles
to relax and contract
it’s too hard
asking my mind
to focus on now
it’s too hard
to breathe in
and simply let out
it’s too hard
to let blood flow
out of my heart
it’s too hard
to harden my legs
and walk on ground
it’s too hard
to straighten my hands
and wave and laugh
it’s too hard
tonight
to be alive
a friend of mine called sky
made me feel today
she told me;
outside there’s a world
internally another
and sometimes you get lost
you run and cover
put your hand on your heart
a feeling of utter
feel your beats
and repeat
i am here
don’t stutter
hollow
unable to swallow
i wallow every night
in sorrow
waiting for the sun to rise
i bow to the light
and ask
if i can borrow
any of her shine
to help me tomorrow
starting my day with a lie
hoping no one notices
that i die
inside
every night
hoping for a better tomorrow
but what if this never ends?
and we never make amends?
i’m not for rent
and you were never a friend
it hurt when you went
yet i felt unbent
free
able to reinvent
new characters
coming along
walking through me
suddenly
the pages of my book
are filled
with strangers
old lessons
different messengers
repeated patterns
repeated lessons
i’ve seen this before
“it’s different this time”
i tell myself… everytime
one thing is different for sure
and that thing is definitely me
not you
my mind is all over
fireworks
from head to toe
one moment
above the clouds
next… way below
this chapter
shall not be named
blank pages
filled with vain
no title this time
enough stories for now
i shall not have another page
filled with gasps
filled with pain
i’ll end the sentence
before you speak any word
no more strangers
in my world
where are we?
are we within?
can we live without?
without whom you might ask
without exactly the one you thought about
did we ever belong?
did we ever own?
anything beyond flesh or bone
were we ever there?
is it a place?
is it a where?
never felt near
never felt here
always been away
far
beyond
where nothing belongs
fear
she’s simply afraid
in dire need of aid
heaviness
outweighed
thoughts strayed
stories replayed
ashamed
stained
blamed
always behaved
demanding praise
she was caged
self constrained
but she prayed
swayed
to the tunes she played
her soul bailed
exhaled
i wanna go there
elsewhere with lots of air
i no longer bear
feeling bare
full of scare
full of despair
how can i repair
this nightmare
my thoughts
on a full moon
why does it end too soon?
all gloom
i remind myself
what a loon
remember
eventually we bloom
a lot happened since june
eventually we resume
for the future we make some room
away
it takes me away
what happened since may?
i float
where is the truth i sought
every moment i fought
all the emotions brought
all the feelings caught
are you here or not
i cannot shake the thought
