do you ever feel afraid
of meeting the real you
the one sat in the dark
beneath all of you
the tiny human
looking up
at all you did
throughout the years
you flipped through
the pages of your being
while she’s there
asking
calling
for help
asking for you

but who is you
beneath this flesh
who is you
the dirt you’re made of
the beige facade
the front you made
a cascade
falling
apart
slamming
into hard rock
pretending
not to hurt
when being
causes ache

years of having roots
deep down the ground
woke up
one day
upside down
roots cut
i flew
all the way
floating
in the darkness
surrounded by stars
that died
thousands of years
ago
but here i am
and all i remember
is the smell of grass
the sound of rivers
yet all i see
is
comsic emptiness
silenced by
a galaxy of nothingness

creeps in
around five
speeding
the setting of my sun
i can smell the smoke
clouding my sky
starry it was
last night
life
was beaming
as if the saturation
is lowered
colors fading
seems like
an old dull friend
made a comeback

i want to write
forgot how to spell
words don’t make sense
after twelve am

nothing has to rhyme anymore

i will write anyways
to thirteen years old me
i have to tell you
how much i love you

i love
every tear coming down your cheek
i love
every turn you made
every trial of existence
counting to ten
exhaling
was too hard
but i love
all the effort
your muscles
made

you were there for me
you never knew
my love
you took care of me
you created me

i am made of every struggle
every breath
everytime you opened your eyes
to face a new day
to feel emotions
you’ve never felt before
a battlefield
you were not trained for

i love you
i love every second you were
up until now
i owe you
my existing breaths
my ease
my being
it’s all you
i owe it all to you

thank you

thank me

woke up this morning under a spell
head pounding, so many rooms in my mind, noises of different pitches, i still hear you from last night. anger filled silence. “one deep breath”, i tell myself.

“who’s your master?” i remind this self.

“a puppet.”

am i a me? or am i a puppet? held captive in my own body, keep a smile they said.

living a life between brackets. confined; suffocated.

wake up
get ready
for yet another
audit

a puppet; a show
get a ticket
attend my play
under a budget
handful of hope
another of despair
a splash of humor
for the audience
make them happy
watch them clap
curtain down
shut down
wait a minute
black screen count to three
another day
another play
repeat