trapped in an old frame

it looked me in the eye
and i suddenly felt trapped
in an old fragile body
a miserable lady
saggy skin
grey hair
a frown
grew up in famine and war
survived the bad days
wouldn’t smile through the good
felt sorrow throughout my bones
a cold wind
as if lived in the greatest depression
couldn’t get back
stuck in a frame
hanging in a wall
a greyscale
judged
in disgust
by everyone
passing by

upside down

years of having roots
deep down the ground
woke up
one day
upside down
roots cut
i flew
all the way
floating
in the darkness
surrounded by stars
that died
thousands of years
ago
but here i am
and all i remember
is the smell of grass
the sound of rivers
yet all i see
is
comsic emptiness
silenced by
a galaxy of nothingness

x

i grew up
fascinated by maths
always found x
always reached a conclusion
made me satisfied
i grew up
realizing
life isn’t like maths
and sometimes xs and ys
are implausible

i sleep every night
unprepared
wake up faced with
unsolvable problems

and i am expected
to be okay
with not knowing the answers

i am okay
at least i think i am;

on most days
but on others
i am filled with doubts
with questions
unanswerable

the ink evaporates
while i
try
to solve
one more time

the problem
decides
not to exist
anymore

deceased
they say
a flat line
nothing to solve anymore

nonexistent
you cannot save
the dead
can you now

tiny little you
woke up today
thinking you can save
the world around

some equations cannot be solved
and some
people
cannot be saved

and one day

i will believe

that too

is okay

thirteen

i want to write
forgot how to spell
words don’t make sense
after twelve am

nothing has to rhyme anymore

i will write anyways
to thirteen years old me
i have to tell you
how much i love you

i love
every tear coming down your cheek
i love
every turn you made
every trial of existence
counting to ten
exhaling
was too hard
but i love
all the effort
your muscles
made

you were there for me
you never knew
my love
you took care of me
you created me

i am made of every struggle
every breath
everytime you opened your eyes
to face a new day
to feel emotions
you’ve never felt before
a battlefield
you were not trained for

i love you
i love every second you were
up until now
i owe you
my existing breaths
my ease
my being
it’s all you
i owe it all to you

thank you

thank me

a puppet

woke up this morning under a spell
head pounding, so many rooms in my mind, noises of different pitches, i still hear you from last night. anger filled silence. “one deep breath”, i tell myself.

“who’s your master?” i remind this self.

“a puppet.”

am i a me? or am i a puppet? held captive in my own body, keep a smile they said.

living a life between brackets. confined; suffocated.

wake up
get ready
for yet another
audit

a puppet; a show
get a ticket
attend my play
under a budget
handful of hope
another of despair
a splash of humor
for the audience
make them happy
watch them clap
curtain down
shut down
wait a minute
black screen count to three
another day
another play
repeat

opposite of home

stuck with those
who’re stuck
with a version of me
that doesn’t exist anymore

and being with them
brings up emotions
i cannot feel no more

heavy ink
guilty papers
alien words
unfamiliar stories

a foreigner
with whom i call home

maybe

maybe this is it

but maybe not

probably not,

i don’t want to ryhme today, no drafts

i just want to say that maybe, just maybe

today is the day you start living

maybe, you’re the only one standing between you and your greatest self

maybe you need one little push

and maybe just maybe this is it

remember when you were two, you probably don’t

but i promise you were fine, you didn’t care, you lived and laughed through your days, you also cried.. a lot

maybe learn something from the two year old version of you,

maybe channel the kid in you and let her be

let her free

maybe just maybe for once…

start being you,

again

who cares what everyone else thinks

i believe in you

and so should you

so maybe just maybe today is your day

to be

free

and whole