war

the past year was all about going into war with my worst enemy; myself.

left every fight celebrating my loss, losing parts of me i needed to shed.

you start growing when you’re the only one noticing your battles;

celebrating every little win, leaving the battlefields brand new;

couldn’t even notice all the versions of you.

i ran out of ink; trying to journal every tiny thought, so many fleeting emotions couldn’t be fully felt.

black ink, endless paper, rewriting who i want to be, reinventing me.

happiness of a tree

i walk in silence beside your green leaves

i hear you sing to your branches

you choose to live every day

take care of your yield

you drink the water beneath

you look death in the eye

rooted too deep

she breathes into the sky

inhaling the smiles of the gatherers

exhaling gifts to the universe

happy to give away

her children

a selfless deed

and i ask myself

does she ever wallow or grieve

does she want to stay alive

does she fights the urge to leave

from where i stand

this tree

seems happier than me

too calm

too calm
the scary kind of calm

tornado warning kind of calm
silent screams kind of calm

so many at once
too much to exist
in one

am i the rain
am i the dancer under the rain
am i the one explaining
how did it rain

am i the melody
or am i the dance

feeling a lot
but none at all

stuck in a stranger that i call home

unsure

have you ever been certain
took a step towards
knowing exactly where to head

have you ever been sure
whom to walk with
or who to ask for help

have you ever known
where to go
when you feel alone

have you ever felt heard
were you ever seen before

i’ve always been
uncertain
unsure
never knew
where to head
feeling alone
on an empty road
ten steps back
one towards

nil

an empty fullness
filled with nothingness

a blur
am i feeling a lot
or is it nil

i no longer
weigh
or sense
is it tender
or is it firm

a gush
through me
leaving a hole

unable to heal
unable to cure

too hard

it’s too hard
asking my lips
to smile with lies

it’s too hard
asking my muscles
to relax and contract

it’s too hard
asking my mind
to focus on now

it’s too hard
to breathe in
and simply let out

it’s too hard
to let blood flow
out of my heart

it’s too hard
to harden my legs
and walk on ground

it’s too hard
to straighten my hands
and wave and laugh

it’s too hard
tonight
to be alive

hollow

hollow
unable to swallow

i wallow every night
in sorrow

waiting for the sun to rise

i bow to the light
and ask

if i can borrow
any of her shine

to help me tomorrow

starting my day with a lie
hoping no one notices

that i die

inside

every night

hoping for a better tomorrow

not a poem

hey you, yes you

since you’re here i wanna say a few things

it’s okay if you wanna leave but don’t worry it’s not that deep

i wouldn’t share my deepest secret with a stranger after all, or maybe i will

anyways this year was the weirdest of all

and i mean i bet it was for you too

and i don’t want to sound all positive and stuff

because no

it was bad

but i’ve been thinking recently about one thing

connection

i feel as a world

we’ve never been this connected before

like we’re all alone but together

this sense of togetherness have been with me

like we’ve been through stages of 2020

together

it’s weird but like also nice

anyways i am not here to say that i am sure you know that by now

i just want to say that i am proud of you

i know you’ve been going through something else

whatever that was for you

i am sure when added to what happened to the rest of us recently

it must have been SO hard

because lol i know me too

and for that i would like to say that you are really brave for putting up with all of that

and december has just started

and i don’t believe in new month new year new me and all

but if that makes you feel better then do it

it’s always a new chance

everyday is a new chance for you to try again

to get up

or to go to sleep since it’s almost 3 am

but i mean whatever you’re doing

wherever you are

i just hope you’re doing well

and i believe you’ll do even better tomorrow

i am happy you stayed here with me

because this is way too long and maybe one person reaches this line

but even if it’s just one person

i am happy you’re here

and i wish you the best

take care,

Hussa