Tag: feelings

a beige facade

do you ever feel afraid
of meeting the real you
the one sat in the dark
beneath all of you
the tiny human
looking up
at all you did
throughout the years
you flipped through
the pages of your being
while she’s there
asking
calling
for help
asking for you

but who is you
beneath this flesh
who is you
the dirt you’re made of
the beige facade
the front you made
a cascade
falling
apart
slamming
into hard rock
pretending
not to hurt
when being
causes ache

trapped in an old frame

it looked me in the eye
and i suddenly felt trapped
in an old fragile body
a miserable lady
saggy skin
grey hair
a frown
grew up in famine and war
survived the bad days
wouldn’t smile through the good
felt sorrow throughout my bones
a cold wind
as if lived in the greatest depression
couldn’t get back
stuck in a frame
hanging in a wall
a greyscale
judged
in disgust
by everyone
passing by

don’t

don’t understand me
don’t accept me
don’t even mind me
just leave me
let me to be
let’s pretend i don’t exist
i thought you were good at that
maybe you were good
at emotionally ghosting me
maybe i was a statue to you
a physique
an existential being
being
here
emotionless
standing still
smiling
the way you like it
the way you want it

how about you let me go
break me to pieces
let me down that river
let my pieces hit all the rocks
up to the shore
let me break even tinier
until i am done existing
no more

upside down

years of having roots
deep down the ground
woke up
one day
upside down
roots cut
i flew
all the way
floating
in the darkness
surrounded by stars
that died
thousands of years
ago
but here i am
and all i remember
is the smell of grass
the sound of rivers
yet all i see
is
comsic emptiness
silenced by
a galaxy of nothingness

x

i grew up
fascinated by maths
always found x
always reached a conclusion
made me satisfied
i grew up
realizing
life isn’t like maths
and sometimes xs and ys
are implausible

i sleep every night
unprepared
wake up faced with
unsolvable problems

and i am expected
to be okay
with not knowing the answers

i am okay
at least i think i am;

on most days
but on others
i am filled with doubts
with questions
unanswerable

the ink evaporates
while i
try
to solve
one more time

the problem
decides
not to exist
anymore

deceased
they say
a flat line
nothing to solve anymore

nonexistent
you cannot save
the dead
can you now

tiny little you
woke up today
thinking you can save
the world around

some equations cannot be solved
and some
people
cannot be saved

and one day

i will believe

that too

is okay

thirteen

i want to write
forgot how to spell
words don’t make sense
after twelve am

nothing has to rhyme anymore

i will write anyways
to thirteen years old me
i have to tell you
how much i love you

i love
every tear coming down your cheek
i love
every turn you made
every trial of existence
counting to ten
exhaling
was too hard
but i love
all the effort
your muscles
made

you were there for me
you never knew
my love
you took care of me
you created me

i am made of every struggle
every breath
everytime you opened your eyes
to face a new day
to feel emotions
you’ve never felt before
a battlefield
you were not trained for

i love you
i love every second you were
up until now
i owe you
my existing breaths
my ease
my being
it’s all you
i owe it all to you

thank you

thank me

a puppet

woke up this morning under a spell
head pounding, so many rooms in my mind, noises of different pitches, i still hear you from last night. anger filled silence. “one deep breath”, i tell myself.

“who’s your master?” i remind this self.

“a puppet.”

am i a me? or am i a puppet? held captive in my own body, keep a smile they said.

living a life between brackets. confined; suffocated.

wake up
get ready
for yet another
audit

a puppet; a show
get a ticket
attend my play
under a budget
handful of hope
another of despair
a splash of humor
for the audience
make them happy
watch them clap
curtain down
shut down
wait a minute
black screen count to three
another day
another play
repeat

opposite of home

stuck with those
who’re stuck
with a version of me
that doesn’t exist anymore

and being with them
brings up emotions
i cannot feel no more

heavy ink
guilty papers
alien words
unfamiliar stories

a foreigner
with whom i call home