war

the past year was all about going into war with my worst enemy; myself.

left every fight celebrating my loss, losing parts of me i needed to shed.

you start growing when you’re the only one noticing your battles;

celebrating every little win, leaving the battlefields brand new;

couldn’t even notice all the versions of you.

i ran out of ink; trying to journal every tiny thought, so many fleeting emotions couldn’t be fully felt.

black ink, endless paper, rewriting who i want to be, reinventing me.

happiness of a tree

i walk in silence beside your green leaves

i hear you sing to your branches

you choose to live every day

take care of your yield

you drink the water beneath

you look death in the eye

rooted too deep

she breathes into the sky

inhaling the smiles of the gatherers

exhaling gifts to the universe

happy to give away

her children

a selfless deed

and i ask myself

does she ever wallow or grieve

does she want to stay alive

does she fights the urge to leave

from where i stand

this tree

seems happier than me

old mallet

carrying the world
inside my walls

a desire to break free
yet the mallet’s too old
once it’s carried
it crumbles and falls

a need to be broken
once more
perhaps more pieces
need to form

for me to become one
once and for all

too calm

too calm
the scary kind of calm

tornado warning kind of calm
silent screams kind of calm

so many at once
too much to exist
in one

am i the rain
am i the dancer under the rain
am i the one explaining
how did it rain

am i the melody
or am i the dance

feeling a lot
but none at all

stuck in a stranger that i call home

unsure

have you ever been certain
took a step towards
knowing exactly where to head

have you ever been sure
whom to walk with
or who to ask for help

have you ever known
where to go
when you feel alone

have you ever felt heard
were you ever seen before

i’ve always been
uncertain
unsure
never knew
where to head
feeling alone
on an empty road
ten steps back
one towards

flee

look me in the eye
tell me what you see

i spent last night
trying to flee

imprisoned with wings
an attempt to escape
me

not taught
how to be

never learned
the importance
of thee

open up my cage
and count to three

set me free

too hard

it’s too hard
asking my lips
to smile with lies

it’s too hard
asking my muscles
to relax and contract

it’s too hard
asking my mind
to focus on now

it’s too hard
to breathe in
and simply let out

it’s too hard
to let blood flow
out of my heart

it’s too hard
to harden my legs
and walk on ground

it’s too hard
to straighten my hands
and wave and laugh

it’s too hard
tonight
to be alive

sky

a friend of mine called sky
made me feel today

she told me;
outside there’s a world
internally another
and sometimes you get lost
you run and cover

put your hand on your heart
a feeling of utter

feel your beats
and repeat
i am here

don’t stutter

hollow

hollow
unable to swallow

i wallow every night
in sorrow

waiting for the sun to rise

i bow to the light
and ask

if i can borrow
any of her shine

to help me tomorrow

starting my day with a lie
hoping no one notices

that i die

inside

every night

hoping for a better tomorrow

not for rent

but what if this never ends?
and we never make amends?

i’m not for rent
and you were never a friend

it hurt when you went
yet i felt unbent
free
able to reinvent