a puppet

woke up this morning under a spell
head pounding, so many rooms in my mind, noises of different pitches, i still hear you from last night. anger filled silence. “one deep breath”, i tell myself.

“who’s your master?” i remind this self.

“a puppet.”

am i a me? or am i a puppet? held captive in my own body, keep a smile they said.

living a life between brackets. confined; suffocated.

wake up
get ready
for yet another
audit

a puppet; a show
get a ticket
attend my play
under a budget
handful of hope
another of despair
a splash of humor
for the audience
make them happy
watch them clap
curtain down
shut down
wait a minute
black screen count to three
another day
another play
repeat

opposite of home

stuck with those
who’re stuck
with a version of me
that doesn’t exist anymore

and being with them
brings up emotions
i cannot feel no more

heavy ink
guilty papers
alien words
unfamiliar stories

a foreigner
with whom i call home

maybe

maybe this is it

but maybe not

probably not,

i don’t want to ryhme today, no drafts

i just want to say that maybe, just maybe

today is the day you start living

maybe, you’re the only one standing between you and your greatest self

maybe you need one little push

and maybe just maybe this is it

remember when you were two, you probably don’t

but i promise you were fine, you didn’t care, you lived and laughed through your days, you also cried.. a lot

maybe learn something from the two year old version of you,

maybe channel the kid in you and let her be

let her free

maybe just maybe for once…

start being you,

again

who cares what everyone else thinks

i believe in you

and so should you

so maybe just maybe today is your day

to be

free

and whole

war

the past year was all about going into war with my worst enemy; myself.

left every fight celebrating my loss, losing parts of me i needed to shed.

you start growing when you’re the only one noticing your battles;

celebrating every little win, leaving the battlefields brand new;

couldn’t even notice all the versions of you.

i ran out of ink; trying to journal every tiny thought, so many fleeting emotions couldn’t be fully felt.

black ink, endless paper, rewriting who i want to be, reinventing me.

happiness of a tree

i walk in silence beside your green leaves

i hear you sing to your branches

you choose to live every day

take care of your yield

you drink the water beneath

you look death in the eye

rooted too deep

she breathes into the sky

inhaling the smiles of the gatherers

exhaling gifts to the universe

happy to give away

her children

a selfless deed

and i ask myself

does she ever wallow or grieve

does she want to stay alive

does she fights the urge to leave

from where i stand

this tree

seems happier than me

too calm

too calm
the scary kind of calm

tornado warning kind of calm
silent screams kind of calm

so many at once
too much to exist
in one

am i the rain
am i the dancer under the rain
am i the one explaining
how did it rain

am i the melody
or am i the dance

feeling a lot
but none at all

stuck in a stranger that i call home